Sta.sh
I am hardly well-learned in courtliness
Yet too often I doubt my manliness.
I scarcely walk beneath the gay banners
Like greater men; I practice poor manners.
As such, women are often beyond my
Grasp; it does not matter how hard I try
To win them with honest, chivalrous words.
I might as well throw dice with careless birds!
Yet still, I put strain and too much effort
Into love, not realizing who I hurt.
Now it seems as though I am lacking, too,
In even the proper allegiances; you
Rigidly decline speaking back to me.
Did I err somewhere, but somehow not see?
Many times is there no allegation
And I am stricken, to my frustration.
I now ask of you some explanation
As begging fails in manifestation
Of my crudely composed, weak bantering.
What misery have I now come to bring?
Between us lies an extensive ocean,
And thus it is hard to make some motion
To securely remedy this situation.
I am a fellow of humble station.
If I could traverse such great distances
I could better cope with these instances.
Alas, there is no boat beneath my feet
Or magic herb that I may simply eat
And carry me great distances to you.
My problem seems a most terrible brew!
Money is easily withdrawn from hands
That live shyly in these wealthier lands.
Some use money to cure their affliction.
For me, such a notion remains fiction.
I do not wish to insult your grace,
But from a higher seat I could erase
More easily my unknown offense
And perhaps buy some greater sense
To fast-restrain my less impressive thoughts.
I grew where the bastard pard proudly trots.
Too many apologies have I given
And now few more of such can I siphon
From the depths of my heart; I am too weak.
No more of my heart will I leave to leak
Without cause; simply describe your distaste
And I will fight to correct it in haste.
To you, I will grant truest apology.
I know it is due; I lack analogy
To surmise my discomfort with silence
On your kind part; my very heart you mince!
Never have you degraded me, kind swan.
I would not object to playing some pawn
In whatever game you would wish to play.
I feel only you can brighten my day.
Viewing your stately image and eyes now
Pains me, for I am beneath the harsh plow
Of Misery, and only you can save me.
Fancy a man asking such a frilly
Request of a woman who is so fair
And deserves speech of a more manly air!
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The only "unbearably contrived rhyme" I glanced upon was Too many apologies have I given/And now few more of such can I siphon or possibly the preceding line To fast-restrain my less impressive thoughts./I grew where the bastard pard proudly trots. Such line also contains the only instance where I found the piece "painful to read"--specifically bastard pard proudly trots. This was difficult for my brain to read, and I also stumbled when reading the entire piece out loud. I did not find the poem "messy" in any way, and the only rhythm issue I thought had been there disappeared when read out loud.
Unfortunately, I do not have a solution to the rhymes in those two spots. I would even go so far as to say the "siphon" fits rather much better than the "bastard trots" but have no idea what to put in the bastard's place.
Overall, I felt the entire piece to be well constructed. The subject matter was clear, and continued throughout. It was very pleasurable to read, and I can picture it being read in a public setting.
The title is what drew my attention to the piece. I found it to be so great as a salutation that I am certain you meant it that way, but none-the-less felt the need to comment upon it.
{P.S. I suspect that the given/siphon issue may well be my accent}
As for reading out loud, it can be a bit clumsy, but I recently found that it sounds better if read with an English accent as opposed to most American ones. Of course, "pard proudly" is a bit of a "stumble-upper".
Overall, I am very grateful for your detailed critique. I wrote it hoping it would sound sincere and in the tradition of knightly poetry, but if it brought to mind a scoundrel, I suppose that works to.
I find scoundrels to be most sincere and expect that's part of their widespread appeal
I'm off in search of one of your longer pieces to peruse.
If you are interested in my longer pieces, then you would probably be interested in this folder. [link] Both parts of "Johannes and Willehalm" are what I consider to be one piece, and a largely incomplete one at that. The meter fluctuates but the rhyme scheme is the same as seen here- it is still a work I need to complete and possibly redraft.